Drowning in the waves of life

   I am sorry that it has been awhile since I have updated the blog.  Right now it feels like we are drowning in the ocean of life and we continue to get hit with one wave after the other.  We are not able to catch our breath and swim to shore.
   On September 11, we got hit with another wave of life shattering news.  Merrick's mom, Lorna, was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer.  On Mondy of this week we found out that her cancer has already spread to the bones.  She had her first dose of chemo therapy yesterday.  She will have chemo once every three weeks and then be rechecked to see how the cancer is responding to the chemo.  This kind of cancer is rare and very agressive.  But we have assured her that we serve an Almighty God who can do miracles and that her family and friends are with her every step of the way to remind her what she is fighting for!
   As if that is not enough to try and deal with. I have been continuing on my Sprycel (chemo drug) and my numbers are decreasing and the side effects are increasing.  Three weeks ago my white count was 116,000 then it was 22,000 and now this week it is down to 5,000.  It is good that my white count came down but all my other numbers we staying in normal range except for this week.  I noticed that all of them have also dropped so I am even more tired than usual and I caught Arianna's bad cold and it is taking me even longer to get over it because I do not have enough white blood cells to fight it off.
   The side effects that are increasing is the joint and muscle pain, headache, hair loss, and there are changes in my vision that I have not noticed before.  I am still trying to figure out when the best time to take the drug because now about 2 hours after I take it I become very nauseous and achy.
   Not only are the physical side effects taking a toll on myself and Merrick but the emotional side effects are worse than ever.  The Dr. keeps telling me I will have to find a new normal...well I am sorry to say that I do not like the "new normal." It quite frankly sucks!  I am noticing that there are moments when I am paralyzed with fear that this is how it is going to be from now on or I will never be able to do that agian...or what if??  I do my best to shrug it off and pray for God to remove that thought from my head because I know that in a matter of seconds I will find myself stuck in a very dark, scary place that I do not want to be in.
   However, on a much more positve note it is our precious baby girl's 2nd birthday tomorrow.  I cannot believe she will be 2 already.  When she was born she brought us so much joy and happiness, little did we know that that joy and happiness would carry us through the most difficult time in our lives! She is such a little cheerleader of me, Merrick, Lorna and the rest of our family.  She has no idea the responsibility she has in distracting us and cheering us up.  But I am so thankful she does not know what is going on.  It is almost too much for adults to handle let alone a child.  But I am even more thankful to God for giving us such precious little girl whom I am fighting my life for to be with!!

**Prayer Requests for this Week**

- Please pray for strength for Lorna for what she has to endure as well as a sense of peace that can only come from our heavenly Father.
- Please pray for her husband, Marlen.  Pray for strength as he has to sit by and watch what his beloved has to endure.  Also may he have a sense of peace from our heavenly Father.
- Please pray for Merrick.  He has a lot to deal with- a demanding job, a family, and both his wife and mother are fighting a life threatening disease!  May God uphold him and give him the strength he needs.
- Please pray that my numbers will balance out so we can figure out the right dosage of my chemo.
- Please pray that the side effects will diminish and not continue to get worse.
- Please pray to keep Satan away from our family.  We are extremely susceptible to him right now and it is too easy to fall into his dark place where anger and bitterness is all you feel.
- Please pray for our families.  We are dealing with so much that right now it feels unbearable.  We need to feel God's presence as a sign that he is holding us and carrying us through each step of this unwanted journey.

   Thank you again for all your prayers, cards, meals, donations, and words of encouragement! We cannot begin to describe how blessed we feel from a community of friends, family, and believers in Christ both near and far!

 

Here we go again

  Since I have had the luxury of not being on my chemo pill a few weeks, I now realize how wonderful it was not to feel side effects.......or be constantly reminded that I have leukemia. 
  Merrick, Arianna, and I went to the Twin Cities last weekend to visit his family.  We had such a blast! I made sure to enjoy some treats since I knew I would begin my chemo pill on Monday.  Some of the treats were Star Bucks, LeeAnn Chin, cheesecake from the the Cheesecake Factory, and a pedicure.  I have to honestly say that there were several times I thought I was "sick free."  I would have flashes of thinking maybe it was all just a nightmare, and now I woke up.  All that I went through really didn't happen and all that I need to brace myself for my future will never exist.  I continued to push the paralyzing fear deeper within me so I could truly enjoy myself.  But once Monday morning came around, everything resurfaced once again.
  I started my new chemo pill, Sprycel.  So far I seem to be ok in the morning. I try to get as much done as I can when I have my energy, including chasing and having fun with my almost two year old baby girl :) But once 2 o'clock rolls around, there is a whole different story.  I start to get dizzy, nauseated, my knees and elbows are achy, and I over all just feel exhausted.  I am pretty much worthless the rest of the day.  As of right now, it feels the same as my previous drug but not as severe.  However, my previous drug started out this way also and continued to get worse.  I pray that that will not happen with this drug!
  Not only are the physical side effects of this drug enough to deal with but the emotions I have been burrying deeper and deeper are resurfacing. The overwhelmingness of this diagnosis and how it effects every part of my life as well as my family's life is almost unbearable! Most of the time all I can pray is a whisper of help.  I am so grateful that I serve a God who can hear me through the tears of pain and frustration. And He knows exactly what I need, even when I don't know what to ask for anymore. PRAISE GOD!

**Prayer Requests for This Week**
- Please pray that the side effects will be minimal and my body will adjust and tolerate this drug.
- Please pray for peace and the sense of God's presence among us.  I know in my head He is here, I just need to feel His presence as well....especially now!
- Please pray that this new drug will work.  I will start having my blood tested again next week.  So we will see what my numbers are then.

  Thank you for all of your love, prayers, and support!