There is something I've been holding back from the public for some time now. After the initial shock of hearing cancer and leukemia, finding out Tessa will live and should live a long normal life with the specific medication for her specific leukemia, we were hit with a blow that was much harder to deal with. Its only been after we finalized the decision yesterday and started the chemo treatment has Tessa been ok to share this with others.
One of the side effects of the low dose chemotherapy and the long term taking of the medication for this type leukemia is that Tessa will not be able to have children anymore due to the toxicity of the medication for the baby. It is possible that if she did get pregnant she could stop the medication. But stopping the medication could bring the Leukemia back stronger than ever--where the medication would not be able to stop it anymore.
Either decision would then be harmful for Tessa or harmful for Baby. The only thing safe for Baby and Mom would be if we chose (within 24 hours) to have a surrogate mother at a future date and freeze some developed embryos. Tessa was already at a dangerous level with white blood cell count so they would have to extract the eggs immediately before she started taking the chemotherapy.
When we first heard this we have to admit it was devestating. We thought we were through the worst finding out Tessa was going to live and not die. But now we had to decide on the possibility of having any more children of our own. In a way, it was the death of growing our family naturally. Having children with Tessa's smile or my goofy humor......
We did consider the invitro. We even had someone close offer to be the surrogate. But when talking with the fertility doctor 2 days ago, in all there seemed to be just so many costs and risks. Not to mention we had moral issues with having developed embryos out there either frozen or later being "thrown away" or used for research. Those would be our children. Overall, it felt the whole process was just bucking the system that God had made to be natural. Of course if we didn't already have Arianna, we would have considered it more. For so many others I would not stop them from trying it. It really is something to have a child that carries a bit of you and a bit of your spouse---its awe inspiring actually.
And then we also rembered this past April Tessa became obsessed about Adoption after a Casting Crowns concert and she visited a booth and got some more information. We both knew even in high school that adoption would be somewhere in our future for we both believe there are so many children out there who need a good home. But after the concert, I honestly have to say I was getting annoyed by how Tessa wouldn't drop it. Every night she wanted to talk about it and get a budget set up---I pushed it off saying not until later in the future when we get other things settled first.
And then 3 months later all of this happened.... Thats not just a coincidence. Through this we know God has been preparing our hearts for this decision. We realize now more than ever that there are children out there who need us and whom God is preparing for us.
Tearfully and bitterly we accepted this truth and made the decision to continue treatement without harvesting eggs. I'm also going to get fixed so that there is no possible chance of getting pregnant because of all the risks to both Mom and possible baby.
Its still hard to take and think about. Even now I'm almost in tears writing it down. But at the same time there is a peace that comes from only from God knowing that this was all part of His plan. We know now more than ever that our children are no longer coming from us--they are out there and we have to find them. Our family is incomplete and our children are "out there".
The reason we wanted to post this is so that people also pray for us emotionally in this time of loss. I hope people understand too in the coming months while I decommit myself from differing obligations until a future time. I've almost lost my wife and now Arianna is more precious than before. I'm not going to miss a minute more with them if I don't have to.
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