Day 6: Good night rest; it all sinks in

I went home yesterday to take care of Arianna for the afternoon. Then took her to see Mom for a few hours at the hospital and she cheared her up as always. We're so blessed to have such a good kid who takes every day as a new way to have fun. She's just at the right age to be happily oblivious going back and forth and staying at Grandpa and Grandma's.

Last night Tessa slept really well. They finally gave her some good medication to help the nasea and inability to sleep. However, waking up refreshed for once it all kinda finally sank in and hit her emotionally hard. Just in time for me to sleep through my alarm since I finally had a night at home. I really do thank God every day for we have this one nurse working; she's been the biggest support for Tessa. She was hear this morning in my absense and cried with her.

I was angry for alot of the morning when I first woke up. It was only during my drive to the hospital I realized the anger was actually immense sadness trying to break through. I cried alot this morning after that.

Physical update:

overall doing better with actual sleep. Her white blood count was down to 70,000 today. They decided not to do her dialasys type treatment today. I guess after 5 days the chemo pills really start to kick in and do their job--espcially the specific chemothereapy drug for her particular Leukemia. They didn't want to pull too much out right away so for today we're letting the pills do the work.

Also, now that her white blood cell count is lessening by the thousands, they can finally get an accurate measure on her red blood cell count which is quite low. In a way it was good news because it helps explains why she's been so tired. We always thought it was just because Arainna started walking.... and never stopped that we thought she was tired but there was actually a medical reason.

The only thing is that she might need a blood transfusion, which would give us another day at the hospital. We'll find out more tommorow morning when our regular doctor comes back and reviews her case. Hopefully we can both go home tommorow if not tuesday.

Support

We had some good visits again with family this afternoon and tonight. Its been such a blessing to have the family come together, especially all of Tessa's older brothers being so worried for their little sister.

I've heard now we've had prayer chains going for us from coast to coast and at least a dozen different churches from family and friends far and wide. Tessa and I have talked too about how we've felt them too. It at times like this that change a person forever. To be the reciever of such prayer and support; its humbling.

Worldview is something we learned alot about in school and especially at Dordt; the point at which each person sees and percieves the world. It's shaped by all sorts of things: personal characteristics, experiences, family heritage, along with the broad and specific culture in which one is brought up. However, I really do think its at moments like these our worldview changes forever. Life will be different from now on. We've gone from the possibility of losing Tessa, to saving her, to losing our future ability to have children. Life will never be the same again. My perspective on life will never be the same again.

I'm finding we now belong to a very broad community of those who have been touched deeply by cancer in one way or another. I'm hearing stories daily of people at home embracing Gord and Judy.... not saying a word but understanding the struggle and pain with a simple squeeze and a few tears.

Tonight we were visited by members of our home church who struggled a long time with their own daughter's bout of Leukemia. It was humbling and reassuring. We talked about many of the same emotions and feelings; fears that strike deep into the soul when love is so strongly attached to another human being. We talked too about the importance of support and even the christian community to which we belong too. At times, edgerton can seem suffocatingly small and tight. People too often seem so stuck in their ways or hard headed with their opinions. But when rough times come, its amazing to see how many of those hard heads bow gently as they raise they're prayers to our Sovereign God. Its been amazing to hear about how many have stopped our loves ones to check on Tessa and see how's she doing.

We are forever changed. Life has new meaning. We know there are many bumps in the road to come and hard turns as we go along. But there is still a road; and we are still driving through it together. That means something.

Anyone who is reading this, please hug each member of your family very hard. Hold them close.